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Tag Archives: Families

Family Communication is the Key

I’d like to write today about my first meeting with families, and how communication plays a vital role. The process generally goes something like this: After discussing the reason they have sought out help, we discuss how the family currently functions. We talk about the parents’ relationship with their children and with one another. We talk about how the kids relate to their siblings and how they relate to their parents. I then ask the parents something along the lines of “Tell me a little bit about your relationship with *Johnny*.” Some parents are confused by this question.  Most parents answer with something like “Things go well when *Johnny* is in a good mood, but when he is in a bad mood, we all have to watch out.” There can be further details about the relationship and sometimes they will highlight all the fun activities that they enjoy doing with their child. All of this information is very helpful as I begin to understand the family’s struggles. What it does not always address is how communication is happening within the family.

I find that the families I work with frequently neither possess nor know how to acquire ways to communicate effectively with one another. Many of the families describe that they feel manipulated by the communication with their children. This pattern is one of the most difficult changes we ask families to make. We look to break the cycles of years of built-up patterns of communications.

There are lots of ways to work on changing these patterns. Finding the method that works for you and your family is key. Over the past weekend, I had the good fortune of attending the One Change Group’s Real Change workshop. This two day workshop focused on changing communication patterns as well as teaching additional communication and parenting skills. The two day workshop was filled with a mixture of moms, dads, children, single parents, families, and professionals. We shared our stories and asked lots of questions all in the hope of changing our patterns of communication.

In order to change the patterns, the pain of the way things are going has to be greater than the fear of changing. As with everything in life, changing communication patterns is difficult work and takes practice. We have to be forgiving of ourselves that we will get it right one hundred percent of the time. We also have to become aware of our patterns as a means to break them.

To change these patterns there are some simple changes that can make a huge impact on communication.

  1. Check yourself – During conversations that are highly emotional everyone involved needs to try and be aware of their emotional state.  When we get highly emotional our brain shuts down and we can not be rational.  So it is OK in those moments to take a timeout.  The key to effectively using a timeout is to schedule a time when everyone is going to come back together in the next twenty-four hours to finish discussing the topic.
  2. You have two ears and one mouth, so listen twice as much as you speak – What you and your child have to say is equally as important. Make sure that you listen and repeat back what you hear your child saying, and ask them to do the same before having them respond to the topic of the conversation.
  3. Share the love – we hear the negative far louder than the positive. In fact, for every negative comment we hear it takes forty positive ones to cancel it out. It is easy to point out all the things that others are not doing, but keep in mind that we all need positive reinforcement. This is true for ourselves and others.  We need to continually give ourselves positive reinforcement as well.

Start with changing these pieces of your communication at home and you will see the ripple effect. These skills can be used in every aspect of your life, work, home, school, friendships and beyond. My suggestion is to try one skill for thirty days and see how it goes. If you are looking for more information about parenting skills and increasing the communication in your home, Prepare To Bloom may be able to help. Check us out at PrepareToBloom.com or call us at (925) 526-5685.

 

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Bullying And Being Bullied: A Growing Problem

Bullying has been a hot topic in the news recently as the case of Phoebe Prince was brought to light by the media. For those who have not heard about it, the Associated Press printed the story on May 9th.  In this story, they reported that “Phoebe Prince was a recently arrived Irish immigrant, 15 and emotionally fragile, when high school bullying over two boys she dated apparently drove her to hang herself with a scarf in her Massachusetts home.” While her story is severe, it brings to light just how serious of a problem bullying has become. Bullying was once thought to be a normal part of growing up, but it has come to light that it can also have dire consequences. While there are a lot of states that have laws and schools that have rules protecting victims of bullying, this is simply not enough. Parents, teachers, and the local community must make the prevention of bullying a priority.  Our commitment should start in the elementary school years and extending throughout our formalized education system. Getting involved to stop bullying starts with understanding bullying.

What is Bullying?
Education.com defines bullying as

  • An intentional act. The child who bullies wants to harm the victim; it is no accident.
  • Characterized by repeat occurrences. Bullying is not generally considered a random act, nor a single incident.
  • A power differential. A fight between two kids of equal power is not bullying; bullying is a fight where the child who bullies has some advantage or power over the child who is victimized.

Bullying may take place face-to-face, on the playground, or in the classroom. Bullying behaviors may be physical – kicking, hitting, spitting. The behaviors may be verbal – teasing, name calling, and threats or it can also happen online – this is considered cyber-bullying.

Bullying has no boundaries, it happens regardless of socioeconomic conditions, gender, race, religion.  With that being said, it tends to happen differently between the genders.  Boys, as with most of their interactions, tend to be more physical with their bullying.  Girls on the other hand, tend to be more indirect with their bullying, for example trying to ruin other girl’s reputations.

Even though boys and girls bully differently, the signs that your child may be the victim of bullying are the same. Bullying is something that kids often feel ashamed about so don’t share it directly with parents. As with other problems, parents know their kids and have to trust themselves if they feel something is not as it should be. Some of the signs parents can look for are anxiety and concerns about safety, general sadness, low self esteem, aggression, loss of items with no explanation, physical complaints (headaches, stomach aches etc.), avoiding recess or being at school during free times, and frequent unexplained injuries to self or property.

What can parents do if they suspect their child is being bullied?
  1. Parents need to listen to their child, be supportive, believe your child, and try not to be judgmental about the situation.
  2. Make school officials aware of the situation so they can ensure your child’s safety at school. They can also access information on bullying and add it to the the curriculum to help all students feel empowered to address bullying.
  3. Parents need to avoid aggressive responses and try to maintain a calm emotionally appropriate response. This modeling behavior will help your child to learn how to behave in these difficult situations.
What can parents do if their child is the bully?
  1. Talk with your child and help them to become aware that their behavior is hurting other kids. Talk to them about what they do with their friends, the games they play, how they treat one another. Work with your child to give them alternative ways to show their leadership and strength.
  2. Examine the behaviors in the home, are they aggressive? If so, work on new ways to communicate more effectively. Your child will model the behaviors s/he sees at home. Create rules at home to support this and create a zero-tolerance for bullying policy in the home.
  3. Talk with the school to get a better understanding of the behaviors they are seeing and how it is being addressed. Open communication is the best way to have an understanding so that home and school can send a consistent message.
If your child is bullying or being bullied, Prepare To Bloom, LLC may be able help.
Therapeutic and Educational consultants are professionals who may be able to help to locate appropriate resources for your family. To learn more, check out our website at PrepareToBloom.com or speak with a consultant now by calling us at (650)-888-4575. In addition, there are a lot of resources for parents and school officials on the web to learn more about bullying and prevention. Education.com is very comprehensive with regards to bullying and how to prevent it in your school or community. Also, to learn more about what the California Department of Education has to say about bullying, check out http://www.cde.ca.gov/ls/ss/se/bullyingprev.asp.
 
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Posted by on May 11, 2011 in Families, News, Parenting

 

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Parenting in the Age of Entitlement

First of all, to all the mother’s reading this post, may you have a wonderful and very special Mother’s day. I think today’s topic of entitlement is fitting for such a day.

We live in an age of instant gratification. If we want something to eat we are surrounded with a multitude of options. If we want to watch a particular television program we can now stream the video online through Netflix or use On Demand. If we want to share exciting news all we have to do is get online. It is no wonder that kids are growing up expecting instant gratification for every wish they have. This sense of deserving every whim or wish creates this sense of entitlement.

Many of the parents that I work with are concerned about issues of entitlement.  It may be that their child is asking for an increased allowance, the latest phone, or a new car for their birthday.  Regardless of the request, the real problem lies in the fact that the child believes that they are owed these things just for being.

Parents can start early to help give their kids the skills to combat this problem.  Parents have the responsibility to provide shelter, food, emotional support, education, play, fun, clothing, and fair treatment. In contrast they are not responsible for providing everything their child’s friends already have, extended curfews, new gadgets or additional money just because they are older.

The problem with this attitude is that the child has not made the connection between their efforts to achieve something and the internal sense of satisfaction once that goal is reached.  The larger problem is that teens and young adults who grow up with indulgent parents struggle to learn how to handle their feeling, and delayed gratification.

Raising children who are entitlement-free is quite a challenge, but there are a few things that parents can begin to do now.  The earlier that parents start the better –

  • Allowance or no allowance – To give your child an allowance is a parenting choice. However, allowance should be earned. There are age appropriate tasks that kids can do such as taking out the trash, dusting, or vacuuming.
  • Savings –  Teaching kids to save their allowance to buy the toys they desire will help to instill a sense of accomplishment.  It can also lead to teaching them about financial responsibility.
  • Saying “Yes”- It is OK to say yes to requests your child makes that they are not able to achieve themselves. It is also understandable to indulge from time to time for special occasions.
  • Don’t just say “no”- Help your child to understand your decision making process by explaining to them why their request in inappropriate. Then you have the opportunity to allow your child to earn what they are wanting on their own.
Parenting is one of the most challenging tasks out there and can be very complicated.  Whether you are looking for support, guidance or coaching Prepare To Bloom, LLC may be able to help.  Please check out our website at PrepareToBloom.com or call us at (650)888-4575.
 
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Posted by on May 8, 2011 in Families, Parenting

 

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Second Annual National Take Back Day

Announcement from the DEA

News Release [print-friendly page]
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
April 19, 2011
Contact: Public Affairs
Number: (202) 307-7977


Over 5,300 Sites Join DEA Nationwide Effort
to Take-Back Prescription Drugs on April 30th

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) – The Drug Enforcement Administration’s (DEA’s)
second National Prescription Drug Take-Back Day is this Saturday, April 30th. More than 5,300 sites nationwide have joined the effort that seeks to prevent pill abuse and theft. This is hundreds more sites than were established for the event last fall. The free event will be held from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. local time.

Government, community, public health and law enforcement partners at these sites will be working together to collect expired, unused, and unwanted prescription drugs that are potentially dangerous if left in the family’s medicine cabinet.

Last September, Americans turned in over 242,000 pounds—121 tons—of prescription drugs at nearly 4,100 sites operated by more than 3,000 of the DEA’s state and local law enforcement partners. Also last fall, Congress passed the Safe and Secure Drug Disposal Act of 2010, which amends the Controlled Substances Act to allow users of controlled substance medications to dispose of them by delivering them to entities authorized by the Attorney General to accept them. The Act also allows the Attorney General to authorize long term care facilities to dispose of their residents’ controlled substances in certain instances. DEA is presently drafting regulations to implement the Act.

Collection sites in every local community can be found by going to www.dea.gov and clicking on the “Got Drugs?” banner at the top of the home page, which connects to a database that citizens can search by zip code, city or county. This site is continuously updated with new take-back locations. In addition, interested media can now go to: www.nationaltakebackday.com to download a public service announcement about the initiative.

This initiative addresses a vital public safety and public health issue. Medicines that languish in home cabinets are highly susceptible to diversion, misuse, and abuse. Rates of prescription drug abuse in the U.S. are alarmingly high—more Americans currently abuse prescription drugs than the number of those using cocaine, hallucinogens, and heroin combined, according to the 2009 National Survey on Drug Use and Health. Studies show that individuals that abuse prescription drugs often obtained them from family and friends, including from the home medicine cabinet. In addition, many Americans do not know how to properly dispose of their unused medicine, often flushing them down the toilet or throwing them away – both potential safety and health hazards.

“The overwhelming public response to DEA’s first nationwide Take-Back event last fall not only rid homes of potentially harmful prescription drugs, but was an unprecedented opportunity to educate everyone about the growing prescription drug abuse problem,” said DEA Administrator Michele Leonhart. “Studies have shown that, for many, prescription drugs are the very first drugs they abuse—and all too often they aren’t the last. That is why we are committed to helping Americans keep their homes safe by ridding their medicine cabinets of expired, unused, and unwanted drugs.”

“I encourage every American to take advantage of this valuable opportunity to safely dispose of unused, un-needed, or expired prescription drugs,” said Gil Kerlikowkse, Director of National Drug Control Policy.  “Preventing these readily available and potentially deadly drugs from being diverted and misused is something each and every one of us can do to help reduce the epidemic of prescription drug abuse that is harming so many Americans.”    

Other participants in this initiative include the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy; the American Association of Poison Control Centers; the Community Anti-Drug Coalitions of America; D.A.R.E. America; the Federation of State Medical Boards; the U. S. Health Resources and Services Administration; the International Association of Chiefs of Police; the National Association of Attorneys General; the National Family Partnership; the National Organization of Black Law Enforcement Executives; the National Association of Boards of Pharmacy; the National District Attorneys Association; the National Sheriffs Association; and The Partnership at Drugfree.org.


 
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Posted by on April 30, 2011 in Addiction, News

 

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New Research About Teen “Sexting”

The National Campaign to prevent teen and unplanned pregnancy recently published the results from a survey they commissioned in conjunction with Cosmo Girl. The survey asked teens and young adults about their use of technology to send sexually explicit pictures and messages to one another. The survey included the responses of 1,280 teens and young adults ranging in age from 13-26.

In the findings, they reported that “A significant number of teens have electronically sent, or posted online, nude or semi-nude pictures or video of themselves.” They go on to report that “75% of teens and 71% of young adults say sending sexually suggestive content “can have serious negative consequences.”

Given these startling statistics, it is increasingly important that parents discuss “sexting” openly with their kids. 

  1. Talk openly – Although this is a difficult topic, it is important that your kids are aware that when sending pictures or sexually explicit messages the images are not truly private.
  2. Know their friends – Just as with all other friends, it is important that parents know who their kids are connecting with and communicating with online.
  3. Think long term, even when your kids can’t – Parents often have the ability to think of the long term repercussions of their actions.
  4. Stay up on technology – In order to be able to know what your kids are posting and sending out, you must be able to understand all of their technology.  Whether its Facebook, chatting, or “texting” make sure you are as savvy as your child.
  5. Communicate your expectations – by setting some expectations for what is appropriate online your kids will understand what is allowed.
If your child is misusing technology or posting explicit pictures of themselves or others, and this is disrupting their lives, we may be able to help. Whether you or your family are looking for therapists or treatment programs, Prepare To Bloom, LLC is just a phone call away. Please contact us at (650) 888-4575 or visit us on the web at www.PrepareToBloom.com.
 
 

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Transitions to Adulthood

I would like to remind parents about the risks of transition times. Increasingly, parents are seeing that the transition to young adulthood is not a smooth one. When I speak about transitions with parents I am often referring to transitions between activities such as going from English to Math class, from school to home, or from sports practice to homework times. But there are bigger transitions, life transitions, that demand special attention. I discuss with my clients that the struggle through high risk times such as the transition from middle to high school, having the parents go through a divorce, surviving a death in the family, or moving from the turbulent teen years to young adulthood need to be approached carefully.

The families I am working with are reporting that their children are not prepared to head into adulthood.  This is further supported by The Network on Transitions to Adulthood.  According to their reports, “Significant cultural, economic, and demographic changes have occurred in the span of a few generations, and these changes are challenging youths’ psychological and social development. Some are adapting well, but many others are floundering as they prepare to leave home, finish school, find jobs, and start families.”

As our society is becoming more technologically advanced, our daily living skills seem to be falling behind. There are real challenges that this generation of young adults must deal with. However, the skill set needed to successfully launch is severely lacking in many areas.

Many families struggle with what is the best route for their child. There are a wide range of programs all across the country that are designed just to support these needs.  These programs vary greatly in what they offer; from highly structured programs and curricula to support around building vital independent living skills. If you are looking for programs, therapists, and support for a young adult in your life who is struggling, Prepare To Bloom, LLC may be able to help.  You can learn more by calling us at (650)888-4575 or checking out our website at PrepareToBloom.com.

 

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Artifact Discovered in Southern Utah

Prepare To Bloom FlowerThe Salt Lake Tribune reported on April 22nd that a group of kids in a southern Utah outdoor therapeutic program happened across an amazing find. During a hike, the kids came across a perfectly preserved bowl that may be nearly 1,000 years old.  This discovery will add to the incredible experiences participants in this group have had while at Aspen Achievement Academy.  To read the full story click here. 

 
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Posted by on April 26, 2011 in News

 

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